17th Oct 2015

The most profound act of forgiveness is towards ourselves. I have come to realize lately that I am my own worst saboteur. I had to pull out the magnifying glass for this one… yet it was crystal clear under a lens. There are things we love about ourselves and we tend to let those traits represent us. Fair enough. Yet there are also those parts within us.. unexpressed beauty, awkwardly hiding behind unrefined modalities. We say ‘ I don’t dance, I don’t sing, I don’t draw, I don’t play music, I don’t snow board/surf, I don’t wear shorts, I can’t to math, I am not good at this, I am not good at that… And god knows, we don’t have to be good at everything. But what if the pain of not expressing in a certain way becomes more unbearable than the fear of sucking at it? Yea…. That is when you’ve got to learn to rock the awkward. Luckily some of the modalities you are exploring can be done in solitude… but when it comes to your voice, you simply can’t do it in silence. I tried… As long as I am still there to criticize myself its going to be very difficult.

Nobody can change this for you but yourself. And while that should feel like a relief… we are left with the biggest piece of homework one could be given. To overcome our fricken selves.

Okay, I am cranking up that microscope a little harder… Oh hello there Self! Dude... are those my pores? You mean, that in all those ways I may judge others I am really just limiting my own possibilities? Let me think about that. We are so scared of getting hurt, so we quickly hurt ourselves in an act of self defense? Interesting.

How fast can we forgive ourselves when we have fallen off track? Doesn’t it sometimes feel as if lifetimes of heaviness push down at us when we decide we have failed once again? I admire the ones light of heart, dusting off and getting right back up. And I am forever grateful to those teachers who make us feel at home in our skin no matter what.

It is a practice to let others retrieve information from my imperfection. I have to breathe deep for it, as I much rather arrange myself in ways that makes it less visible. But deep inside I hold the prayer that it will bring comfort to others. I want to be a safe haven, a refugee home for the imperfectly perfect.

I have also noticed that I feel the most beautiful when I am bringing beauty into this world. When I am in the midst of a piece of art, poetry, a song or moving freely… regardless of the ways I have arranged my physical to appeal to others. I won’t deny the reality of vanity… besides I am not always creating beautiful things… And yes, when I look up Vanity under that microscope… it changes forms and clearly turns into Insecurity. That little bugger!

Hello Vulnerability!

And yes, Humor…. You are my ally. I like you. I would be fucked without you.

Life is such a labyrinth. So many ways. So many detours and distractions. But really, what if you stopped hiring reality to point out your insecurities, believing that anybody out there is pointing fingers at you when really you are the boss and could just fire them all from their boring task of playing out your critic? How excited would they be if they got a raise and were re-hired to play out a much more fun version of 'high fiving' your evolving excellence? The only place this shift can take place is in you. No need to talk to anybody about it. The only proof of it will be in the pudding.

Something to ponder about…

Am I making any sense at all?
with love
Margot Leom